Love After Failed Love

It’s February guys, the month of LOVE. February is undoubtedly my favorite month of the year for many reasons, the main one being it’s my birthday month. I’ve celebrated my birthday every year since childhood. First it was Disneyland every time until I was twelve. Then in college it became a birthday/Mardi Gras turn up every year. Then the annual “NIBB” snowboarding trips started happening. Then Chicago. I always celebrate.

On top of it being my birthday month, my favorite holiday also occurs…VALENTINE’S DAY. As a child I use to take so much pride in carefully chosing my Valentine’s Day cards I intended to hand out. I would spend hours making sure the messages were appropriate. To think I was so conscious about not accidently telling my crush, “I only have eyes for you” and purposefully giving him a dull and lackluster card to assure he may never know…Ahhh, I was so viciously shy back in the day!

February use to also be my favorite month because it was the month I married my first love. I remember being so depressed about turning thirty that I disguised my “beloved birthday” by planning THE BEST wedding week ever in New Orleans, Louisiana. What girl wouldn’t want to have their birthday and anniversary in the same month? Umm…me! I learned very quickly that was the BIGGEST mistake I could of made. The month I loved so dearly quickly became a month I dreaded and loathed. Why do you ask? Failed love.

Have you even been in love? Like in love love? Like the invested, all in, time-consuming type love? If you have, then you know moving past those feelings will only occur with time. I spent all my twenties and then some loving one man. When it was all over and time to go our separate ways, where do you start? If you are a 30-plus-divorcee-no-kids-sucessful-and-independent-women (hate to be cliche) where do you go? I was her. I’m here to tell you that YOU CAN FIND LOVE AFTER FAILED LOVE.

When it comes to dating, nothing I do is intentional. I like to let things like “serendipity” and “happenstance” do their dance; it’s the Piscean in me. However, I will like to share with you how I lucked up on a second shot at real love. That being said, the first step to finding new love is to…

Let it happen. You cannot force a situation to occur.

I would like to believe this is self-explanitory, but for those of you who believe you have to play a hand in your love manifesting, this is partiallytrue. Sure, I agree you have to be available and open to allow a person into your space, HOWEVER one cannot be thirsty. I have always been a firm believer that if you have to force and fight for a thing to occur, maybe you shouldn’t be there [PERIODT]. Funny enough, Amari and I went to Xavier at the same time and had less than one degree of separation. For example, my bestfriend hung out with him in a group setting a number of times AND he’s close friends with three of my best guy friends, YET we had never met. So when we met at our college homecoming it felt familiar and we were able to connect without hesitation or reservations. Yes. I was still going through my divorce. Yes, I was not ready to date anyone. However, Amari was different and unpressing. So step two, is to…

Look to your friends for solid connections, then use their friends as a potential dating pool.

I prefer to have a reference when dating someone. Not often in life have I dated anyone seriously without them being a “friend of a friend.” Mainly because I don’t trust people easily and I want to affirm that the guy I’m diggin’ isn’t a psycho lol. And let’s be honest, if you are in this situation you ain’t got time to learn a complete stranger! Talking ’bout, “What’s your favorite color?” Amari was refreshing and unlike anyone who had ever showed interest in me. Light skinned, freckles, with one dimple on his left side. Strong Malcolm-X glasses and thick dark hair; he is a beautiful man. By definition he is a “pretty boy”…well-groomed, well-traveled, educated but still has a rough edge to him. Hella pink lips! He likes to get dirty in the yard or under a car, even though he has the softest hands. I say all this to say,

Date something different. If you thought you had a “type” leave it at the door!

I never dreamt I would end up with a man like him and I love it! We are equally yoke and he is the yin to my yang. He gets me. He lets me be me…free. He tells me I’m beautiful daily, buys me flowers on a regular, and simply makes me feel good. He loves our daughter and works hard to provide for his family. Like what did a girl do to be so lucky? I’ll tell you one thing, I love me some Amari. But in the same breathe he was never on my radar AND completely different from what I was use to. He could say the same about me. I’m a “hurrr did, makeup poppin” type of woman and here comes Amari whose never dated a girl like me. So be open because you will never know where it may lead it if you don’t try.

Well what if this fails? Start back at step one and repeat the process. I hope my “clinical pearls” help. What do you have to lose?