Seeing you…

I thought it would be helpful, meeting you early.
I thought it would be helpful, showing you early,
Introducing you by name to those around me.
But seeing you, without truly seeing you… was never the idea, because—

I’ve seen you running with your siblings, dancing and singing.
I’ve held you in my arms when you fell and hurt yourself.
I’ve comforted you.
I’ve tickled your belly, and we’ve laughed together.
I’ve watched you grow big, and strong, and smart.
You were beautiful, kind, important—but,

Never being able to hold you, touch you, feel your warmth against mine—
That’s hard, because I’ve already seen you.
I saw your little feet kick and your body wiggle.
I heard your heartbeat.
I felt you flutter in my soul.
I see you. I hear you. I feel you—
But I’ll never get the chance to know you, and I’m sorry.
Sorry that I saw you too soon and fell in love with you anyway.

After while crocodile.

This spoken-word poem is dedicated our baby girl and all mothers who may have lost a child before getting the chance hold them.

The study of theodicy looks at why bad things happens to good people who believe in God. My God is a sovereign God and sometimes his plan may not make sense to me, but he has a higher plan and knows what I can bare. I still love and trust in Him. My faith in Him brings me peace.